Florida Man
Ben and I spent a verrrry relaxing week in the Florida Keys (don’t worry – we were alone in a family residence, and I’ve tested negative since returning to Boston!), which prompted Ben to ask for this specific post. If you’ve ever heard a headline that starts with “Florida man” and ends with something LUDICROUS, you know what I’m talking about.
The wildest crimes seem to come from the Sunshine State, and there’s actually a reason for that. It’s not the water (although there’s got to be something wrong with it…that gorgeous blue just isn’t natural). Rather, Florida has a 1995 statute called the Sunshine Law, which allows the public to access official records relating to the state’s governing agencies. Florida basically sees its government as a public business, and therefore publicizes everything related to that business – including mug shots and arrest warrants! While some information is kept private, like victims’ names and home addresses, the rest is accessible – and accessible FAST. Journalists constantly scroll through daily booking records, find enticing headlines, and publish those stories immediately.
It’s not just the Sunshine Law, however. As the third-largest state, Florida’s population (which is incredibly diverse) also allows for more shenanigans than most states. It also has nice weather year round, which allows for more things (read: crimes) to occur outside. Plus, alligators…enough said there. These factors, along with quick and easy public record access, created the perfect birthplace for the guy pictured above. With that, let’s take a look at a few “Florida Man” stories* and their charged offenses!
*Many were disturbing, rated R, or just downright terrifying, so I purposefully chose the wacky-and-benign.
DRUGS TO A DRUG BUST
It’s like the woodchuck who chucked wood, only a guy who brought drugs to a drug bust and got busted for his drugs. Members of the Santa Rosa narcotics unit were in the middle of searching a home when 42-yr-old Jim Phillips approached two deputies in the yard and asked to speak with the home’s resident. Note: the deputies were in uniform…no plain clothes trickery here. The police said uh, no - and now we’re gonna search you dude. Mr. Phillips had meth in his pocket, and was arrested along with the home owner. Two birds, one bust!
ANYTHING FOR A McDEAL
In 2019, a former corrections officer tried to use outdated credentials to get a deal at ole Mickey D’s. An employee called the police and reported that a “suspicious person” had flashed a badge, and responding officers pulled the man over for an illegal window tint. Turns out, he was fired from the corrections job a year earlier, but had asked for discounts at multiple restaurants! As an avid user of military discounts, I’m here to tell you hat this doesn’t check out. Especially because McDonalds is not gourmet dining, and impersonating a police officer IS a crime.
ARSON, FT. SPAGHETTI
Two thieves in DeLand, Florida broke into a home at night, stealing multiple items and covering security cameras with towels to avoid detection. Apparently deciding that wasn’t enough, they resolved to burn the place down - by leaving a pot of spaghetti sauce on the stove and a rag near the burner. They wanted to make it look like the homeowner left the stove on, but as she articulated to police - “who gets up at 2 a.m. and fixes sketti?”
Long story short, it didn’t work. When the police caught up to them, both men denied involvement…but an empty Ragu can in the passenger seat told a different story. Both were charged with unarmed burglary, arson, and grand theft. Side note - one of them wore a bull onesie the entire time.
KILL ‘EM WITH KINDNESS
A thirty-year-old man in Santa Rosa county got into a fight with his neighbors - and said he was going to “kill them with kindness” before heading into his house. They probably went…what? Until the man came back outside, holding a long knife with “Kindness” written on the side.
I mean, you just can’t make this stuff up.
Luckily, he didn’t kill anyone - but he did cut one man’s hand before the police arrived. He was arrested on charges of aggravated battery and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.
WEDDING NIGHT JAIL STINT
A groom forewent his honeymoon suite for a night in jail…after attacking a man who wouldn’t get out of his wedding photos. He and his bride were taking beachfront pics when a 25-yr-old man refused to leave - even after the groom offered him fifty bucks. Instead of (a) moving down the beach or (b) increasing his offer, the groom chose to (c) punch the man in the face. He broke the guy’s nose and was arrested for aggravated battery 15 minutes before his own wedding ceremony.
All’s well that ends well though. The groom was released on bail the following day, married his fiancé, and headed off on his honeymoon one day later.
VERNON, FL - aka NUB CITY
Okay, check THIS one out. In the late 1950s and early 1960s, 2/3 of all loss-of-limb insurance claims in the United States came out of the Florida Panhandle. Of those, a suspicious number originated from a tiny town called Vernon, Florida. The town was struggling economically after its primary revenue sources, steamboats and railroads, died - and residents were forced to find alternate ways to get paid.
The insurance claims began at a modest $5-10K, but eyebrows raised when those claims skyrocketed to over $100K. Plus, many residents cashed out on multiple plans for the same incident. One insurer recalled a man with thirty eight different insurance plans…most taken out shortly before his “accident.” To top it off, the stories became more and more outlandish. One guy said he shot his own hand while aiming for a hawk; another claimed he shot his foot because he thought it was a squirrel. A SQUIRREL.
Despite 50 of the 700 Vernon residents holding “Nub Club” membership by the mid ‘60s, it was pretty hard to prove their fraud. Jurors just couldn’t believe that people would voluntarily mutilate their own arms and legs!
DRINKING AND [not] DRIVING
Police were called to an Indian River McDonalds, where a man was reportedly rear-ending a woman’s vehicle in the drive-thru. After he was approached by police, the 69-yr-old admitted that he didn’t own a valid driver’s license - and officers immediately noticed a strong smell of alcohol. When asked about it, the man admitted that he “felt pretty good” and indicated an open bottle of Jim Bean sitting next to him in the passenger’s seat.
However, he assured officers that he didn’t drink while driving - only at stop signs and red lights. The officers were not impressed. A breathalyzer revealed a BAC between 0.147 and 0.153 (Florida’s limit is 0.08), and he was charged with a DUI and driving without a license.
HEAVE H- oh noooooo
This post wouldn’t be complete without a gator story, so - here it is.
In 2015, a 24-yr-old man tossed a live alligator through a Wendy’s drive-thru window. He rolled up at 1:30 am, ordered a drink, then threw the gator in the window before driving away. When I first read this story, I assumed it was a baby gator - nope nope nope. This thing was 3.5 feet long. The guy said he “found it on the side of the road” and put it in his truck, and his mom said the whole thing was just a “stupid prank.” Um, WHAT?!
Luckily no one was hurt, and the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation officials captured and released the gator back into the wild. The man was charged with assault with a deadly weapon (with no intent to kill), illegally possessing an alligator, and petty theft. He was also ordered to have no contact with animals.
And there you have it! There are so many wild stories originating in Florida, it was hard to pick just a few. Here’s an article dedicated to 60 of the wackiest headlines in the last decade or so, and I just discovered a podcast on the topic too. Feel free to comment your favorite Florida Man headlines/crimes in the comments - I’d love to hear them!
